Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Lies Pregnant People Tell You.

Or maybe just Truths Pregnant People Leave Out.* 

*Which is lying by omission 

Hello Truth Seekers.  Around about month nine and one half of my pregnant state, i decided i was going to start a blog about pregnancy, dispelling all lies therein, revealing the truths that are left out by every other pregnant (and post partum) lady-being on the planet.  {I would say human being however ladies are the only preggies that i know...except that one guy that got pregnant a few years ago, but he doesn't really count because in real life he was actually a she that added a few extra ...pieces... while keeping the lady parts.  so should i say the she who wanted to be a he in addition to the ability to bear ch'rrens. sounds like you actually DO want to be a woman, but heaven forbid stating the obvious}

ok maybe i'm being a little dramatic, and not all preggies LIE per se.  they just don't all tell the TRUTH per. se.  except  maybe jenny mccarthy-apparently she wrote a great book-but i didn't get around to reading her book, did i mention we got pregnant, rented our condo, moved in with my parents until we closed on a house that was triple the size of the condo with quadruple in outdoor space while i was 5 months pregnant? i was tired. i was busy. and at the time i was working 2 jobs bc i had this ridiculous notion that i still loved neuro icu patients so i did that every other Saturday in addition to 5 day a week case management position. i didn't have time for jenny mccarthy ok?

Now, I am going to tell the truth, shame the devil.
Did you know that you will not die if you eat lunch meat while you're pregnant?  You will not die if you eat sushi.  You will not die if you eat a hot dog.  You CAN eat cheese.  You CAN eat fish.  You CAN make educated decisions based on your knowledge of why you CANNOT eat certain food groups without screaming it out to the entire table you're dining with every time you eat a meal. but you CANNOT drink bourbon.  or any other alcohol for that matter. (those aren't really secrets, more just pet peeves) 

You CAN work out but you do not have to do p90X for st peter's sake if you are CHOOSING to eat WISELY and "I'm pregnant so I eat three meals at Sheetz in one day while finishing it off with drive through dairy queen" doesn't count as wise.  That being said. You WILL NOT ever. ever. feel like working out.  I am the unofficial spokeswoman for the power walk.  It took every fiber of my being. to force myself. To get my heart rate up. for at least 30-45 minutes four to five times a week. and i had  a GOOD pregnancy.
You WILL retain water, you WILL sweat like a man even though it's January and freezing cold outside, Heaven bless you summer time full term-ers. bleh.
You WILL NOT love the cellulite that ensues regardless of all the lunges, squats, lifts, and power walking you did to fight this terrible disease.**

**yes, cellulite is a disease.

You WILL NOT have to be the sexy pregnant girl that only gains 13 pounds throughout the pregnancy.  If you gain 40 lbs by the time you are 40 weeks, you are not fat.  Even though, yes, you do feel very fat.  You do not HAVE to be the 100 pound weight gainer bc you're pregnant and "eating for two."

You WILL be more tired than you have ever been in your life even after ten uninterrupted hours of sleep. 
You WILL NOT sleep well after about 30 weeks bc your child will think that somersaults are a great thing at midnight. every midnight. inside of you. and then again at 0200 hours.  and possibly again at 0400.
Pregnancy hunger kicks in about this time.  When nothing is open or close by.  And it is like a hunger you have never ever felt. Ok who am I kidding.  The hunger is constant.  I mean you WILL be so hungry it hurts.  You think I'm kidding?!?

Your significant other WILL NOT get it. (Effort WILL or WILL NOT be made in this department, depending on your life choices in regards to your mate selection.)
You WILL make emotional and irrational decisions-I bought four different rugs for my living room when we moved.  Four.  Four.  Four.  All online.  All shipped back.  NESTING IS REAL. IT IS VERY VERY REAL.
You WILL feel as though others around you are not being sensitive to your labile emotions at times.  That's because either 1.)they aren't or  2.)you're being overly emotional and irrational.
You WILL accidentally be mean to your significant other*** even when he/she/it has not done anything wrong. 

***like how i keep saying that? how politically correct of me.

You WILL NOT like any of the "cute-say" maternity clothing options in your local "mall." because they are disgusting.  You WILL NOT want to pay for any of the sassy maternity clothing options in the boutiques because the plan is, to actually not need them in about two months.  Unless you are a Duggar, then you will need them forever so I say, go for it sister.  However, if you are in fact,  "Modern  Modest," (as are the Duggars) I just don't know if your dress code allows this option. 

You WILL go through a pantyliner at least every three hours.  Jenny calls this the Snail Trail whichisdisgustinglydescriptive and I only knew this was a global issue when I announced far too much personal insight at a baby shower and every single preggie-has been said, 'oh yeah...that-yeah that's not going away any time in the near future.'  Ladies.  You could have told me sooner.

You WILL dry heave very easily.  That's not to say you WILL throw up-because I am a lucky ducky and never did.
You WILL do kegal exercises daily if you know what's good for you.  I pushed for 30 minutes.  I mean I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

You WILL be a fool to turn down any and all baby shower offers because baby-having is pricey.  At least it is when you like your things nicey.

You WILL NOT need every baby contraption ever invented at buybuybaby or babiesRus, which is in fact, overpriced.  Both are.  {But buybuybaby takes coupons.  And they take BedBath&Beyond coupons too. sidenote.}
You WILL NOT enjoy being registered at Target.  Because they are inconsistent with their stock and inconsiderate with their registry return policy!! Do you know how much revenue they must bring in on registries?! C'mon TARGET, update yo'self and yo' no good registry return policy not to mention yo' po' excuse fo' an outdated website.  Iwentthere.

You WILL NOT let your non-pregnant, non-baby having friends assume you WILL be the DD now. Unless you WILL want to be the DD.
You WILL want to take your vitamin d at night rather than the morning because otherwise it WILL make your nausea 9461273 times worse and while on the GI tract, I might mention that you WILL want to take acidophilus on the reg if you WILL NOT like to be constipated and keep the pantyliner situation under control.

You WILL NOT like it when you get fitted for a bra for your new bust size and it is at minimum two cup sizes larger than what the real you wears (no, you WILL NOT)
You WILL feel like a granny if you only wear granny panties.
You WILL feel like a frump if you only wear your significant others' t shirts all day every day.
You WILL NOT need to be overly dramatic about being pregnant and all your pregnancy needs if you do not want to be.
You WILL NOT be miserable like some people try and tell you you WILL be.
You WILL feel better if you take care of yourself.  And wear good heels.  Sometimes. And get routine pedicures.
You may actually enjoy most of it.

You WILL want more than six weeks maternity leave, and that IS ok.

1 comment:

Audrey Onderdonk said...

This sounds like a lot of fun. I can't wait.