Thursday, August 30, 2012

All that Glitters Is Not Gold

     So ladies.  Would you mind offering me a minute of your time.  Not a question.   I have an issure I need to address.

     There is a social pandemic going around and it's time to take a stand.  Lately I have become increasingly aware of what I have come to label as, The Awesome Girl. 

"Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness..."

      I know you peeps know who I'm talking about.  I know. You know.  What I'm talking about. {She's awesome.} 

     Really, my beef with The Awesome Girl is that she never admits when she's not awesome and she behaves as though she knows more about awesome things than you do.  {You know awesome stuff too, by the way.}  And I just cant tolerate this kind of self centered oblivion any longer.
     If you don't know what I'm talking about, feel free to be on the look out, she's hard to miss.  She makes sure to surround herself with a bunch of people who she thinks, think she's great-benefit of the doubt-maybe they do-and maybe they spend their free time showering her in accolades-who can really tell?  I know we can't, because all too often, she pretends like she never gets mad or sad or lonely or insecure or insert ugly emotion we all have here,*so we'll never really know. 

*and then insert plastic smile here

My theory is very simple;  Probably, Hopefully, you will agree.  Are you ready?

She's lying.

Ok, didn't get it the first time?  Write it down, here it is again: She's a liar.
     I am here to clear the air.  Because it is the christian thing to do.  She does not do these things, live this offensive lifestyle, because she actually thinks she's perfect.  She lives like this, and forces the rest of us to endure this behavior as she parades it about via social media, because she honestly thinks she's supposed to {be perfect, that is-as opposed to parade about via social media-that's a whole separate topic that needs to be-and will be-addressed at a later date.}

   KNOW THIS.  My theory comes with a disclaimer** 

**Girl:  This is the first and last time I will ever stick up for you, are we clear.  Not a question.

     My Positive And Encouraging K-Love Christian Radio self will argue that this girl behaves so inappropriately, not because she is the most annoying female you have ever met in your life and you have considered blocking her on facebook because she is so over the top too much perfectly awesome that you cannot stand one more update in your feed of her great day/night out with her great friends having a great time looking great doing~insert whatever applies here that is great~but because she thinks we're all playing this game too.  We aren't. 

     Methinks this issue comes from a long line of issues in which said "Girl" compares herself to the illusion of a lifestyle that none of us ACTUALLY live.  What she needs, is an intervention.
So. Ode to The Girl Who Pretends Like Her Life Is Straight Out of a Seventeen Magazine {HA!}

     At this time we do not agree with your lifestyle. 

     Do me and the rest of your social network a favor, and stop pretending.   

     Girl: I know that facebook, and twitter and instagram and myspace {HA!} and pinterest and real housewives are all telling you one thing.   But I have to tell you this thing: Every thing you're comparing yourself to isn't real.  

     No one really likes working out three hours a day. You can stop pretending like you love it and stop pretending like you hate it if you can't.  No one really likes eating nothing but kashi cereal and flaxseed oil to stay skinny every day.  No one really has time to spray tan every week, bleach their teeth every week and get their brown hair highlighted with blond streaks every six weeks ***

***I don't care what anyone says, that is not classy, it is not fashionable, you look like you need to wash your hair, blond hair and brown roots will never be in style in my book, and whoever told you it is, just wants you to look bad so they can be the prettiest.  {I feel comfortable making the general brown hair blond streak comment because most ladies are not actually blonds, the ones who look blond (which is the point, isnt it?) pull it off very well-the ones who continue with this streaking business, which i would hardly call highlighting, need the truth.}

     No one really has the money to shop Neimans online every week {actually, some do, most don't, and I KNOW you don't-this is a down economy, sugar, don't play me}. 
     No one really wants to be friends with everyone, so don't worry, you don't have to be either.  {this has nothing to do with being nice to everyone and loving people with the love of Jesus. Yes you do have to do that.}
     No one really likes to go to every party, every event, every dinner, every get together, every game, etc, every weekend.  You know you don't really have to do that, right?  I mean, we're not.
     You don't have to put your make up and push up bra on before you go to bed so you can wake up sexy.  The rest of us don't.  You don't have to suck in your stomach every time someone gets a picture of you in your bathing suit, you look great anyway, because remember, you work out eight days a week.
     You don't have to pretend like things that are hard for everyone aren't hard for you,
     You don't have to pretend to like things you don't, you don't have to pretend that things you think everyone loves, you love too.  

   I don't know how you got yourself into this mess and shug, quite frankly I don't know how you're going to get out of it, but I can promise you this:  You can relax.  We'll {I'm talking for the rest of us, y'all don't mind, right?} still like you.  Probably, we'll like you more.  However, at this time, you have offended most of the hard working ladies around you by downplaying how hard we work to have a well rounded life by putting on this pitiful facade. 
     I speak in Truth and Love: You are sending the rest of us into terrible fits of angst and social anxiety.  So quit.
LuvyaGuurrrl! ;oP

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