Friday, August 10, 2012

Lies Post Pregnant People Tell You

now, i really had no intentions to continue to lead you to the light but i visited with a friend recently, who just had a baby, to drop off a nice little hot chicken salad casserole,*

*because that's what you do here. in the sahouth. you feed people.  when all else fails. you feed people.  and feed them good.  get your skinny girl recipes out of here.  in these times in need you have no right to deprive a friend of butter and mayonnaise , do you understand me?! 

say hello, meet baby, and then be on my way.**

**because when a friend who has just had a baby is in need, you feed her, then you leave.  that's it.  that's what you do.  she is not hosting you, you are not the guest, you are not welcome to take off your shoes and stay awhile, accept a drink when offered, etc etc. get out. UNLESS this post partum friend has said, "no, come. please. feed us. {here's the kicker:} and stay awhile."  (she wont).

I'm off topic.
ok. the point.
Lies Post Pregnant People Tell You or rather Truths Post Pregnant People Don't Tell You, Which is Lying By Omission
1.  After you have a baby you are more tired than you've ever been in your life, thus superseding the original most tired you've ever been in your life during pregnancy
2.  That would mean, that multiple phone calls, visits, drop ins, and bad in hospital photography actually is exhausting on top of labor exhaustion and an hours old baby exhaustion.
3. Then you feel really badly being exhausted because you are just so grateful for everyone's support that you don't actually TELL your visitors and callers that you probably could fall asleep standing up if someone would stop coming in asking you to puhleaze fill out your hospital meal menu {snap fingers in a zig zag here} or for you to choose and pay for terrible third rate photography -who's idea was that, anyway?!
4. Your first shower will feel like the most wonderful amazing water of the gods experience in your life
5. Then it will make you exhausted
6.  The first time the nurse/aide teaches you how to use the spray bottle with warm water, and delicious dermaplast aerosol mixed with crushed dry ice alternating with sopping wet witch hazel pads, in humongous stretchy white granny panties you will a)feel like you could possibly propose marriage to her {i will not say he as i have never in my life met a male post partum nurse}and b) feel like it is the most wonderful amazing peri-care experience of the gods in your life
7. So much so that the thought of running out of any of these supplies will more than likely drive you into a panic attack so you might send your husband to blue ridge pharmacy after having him track down said supplies, to find that this is the ONLY pharmacy in the COUNTY to carry such necessities
8.  That is not the only thing to drive you into a panicked frenzy.  just about everything that occurs from day ...3 on to about day 14 will probably send you into some level of frantic or another
9.  This is completely unexplainable, i don't know why this happens {maybe it's the overly hormonal, physically uncomfortable, hungry, sleep deprived state that has persisted for the past seven days?} and everyone who tells you they didn't experience anxiety attacks complete with the vomit cry, on the regular, if only for a short period of time, is a dirty liar and can call me directly on my personal line, please remember to dial the area code 919 first as Raleigh now has two.
10.  Going home is fabulous because being in the hospital is not.
11.  Then it is exhausting.  Because the visitors. know where you live.
12.  And you love them.  But you're just so tired. {to clarify. you love the visitors.  they are great.  they are your only link to normalcy and the outside world.  they must come. for your sanity.  But you're just so tired.}
13.  The food that ensues post partum. is so necessary. do not ever turn it down.  do not ever say we have enough.  freeze it. keep it. hoard it near and dear close to your heart. forever and ever amen.  this. will bring you through the hardest times, girl.
14.  Remember the hunger you had when you were pregnant?  The constant, nagging hunger?  You. Ain't. Seen. Nothin'. Yet.
15.  Breast feeding. Is hard.
16.  It is normal and ok for it to be so hard. that you cry about it.  a lot. I have two friends who did not have a hard time breast feeding.  Two.  Ever.  They are obviously anointed by Jesus.
17.  When your milk comes in, it feels like you are being walloped with a sledgehammer right in the middle of your back, just between your shoulder blades.  But then it stops.
18.  Find one lactation consultant. and try not to deviate.  they mean well but all tell you different things and when all you want is for your nipples to stop cracking open-while your baby could care less, as long as he/she is fed every two to three hours-you do not have the emotional stability to reach a conclusion in the bottomless sea of well meaning opinions.
19.  Feeding that baby on a schedule is a good thing. check. great. thing. 
20.  Never. Wake. A Sleeping. Baby. (at night/after bedtime/etc)***

***obviously this advice is in reference to a healthy full term weight gaining baby, which i shouldn't even have to clarify because this is OBVIOUSLY not a website meant for medical reference and or insight but some people take themselves entirely too seriously. i know you know what I'm talking about

21.  Some groups. try and make you feel bad if you don't follow this guideline. To them I say, "FIDDLE DEE DEE!"
22.  Being engorged. Feels like your boobies are on fire.  icepacks. getsome.
23.  Sometimes, your newborn will take 45 minutes to nurse. every three (mine was two) hours. well meaning individuals will make efforts to comfort you, telling you, "it will get better."  When you are hormonal, hungry, sore and sleep deprived, your capacity to commit murder threshold is at an all time low.  well meaning individuals, might i redirect you? instead of offering this useless piece of advice, how about some encouragement by way of laundry, dishes, diaper changes, or...have i mentioned food?
24.  "Sleep while the baby sleeps." Is near about impossible.  And a talent I wish I was able to acquire
25.  Two words: Gripe. Water.
26.  You will feel like you are falling apart.  i.e. I said to Josh multiple times, "I feel like I'm falling apart."  This has many meanings.  Your significant other might be a little bit afraid of you.  They should be.
27.  You will feel better on day 14.  If you do not pick up your phone. You can call me (dial 919 first) and I will bring you a casserole. It will have a protein in it.  Then I will change your babies diaper. Then we will make a quick call to your primary care physician and get a call in over to the local Kerr Drug (that's pronounced CAR not KER) for some zoloft (good. old. reliable.) and micronor.  Don't worry.  I'll fix you a roadie-I'll drive.  I have a car seat adapter.
28. Yes you can take that while nursing don't let a hipster lie to you (to all three substances mentioned in # 27)
29.  I'm telling you, it's the breast feeding that turns you into a raving lunatic, not the baby. 
30.  At about three in the morning, your prayers may sound something like this,  "Dear God? Please, just.  Something... ?"  And that's ok.

1 comment:

Lily & Billy Grimme said...

#6. One of my lovely nurses [sweet but over the top-let's-be-bff's-while-I-sit-here-and-tell-you-all-about-my-pregnancy-even-though-you-are-literally-falling-asleep-while-I-sit-in-your-rocking-chair] brought with her a male nurse in training, however that works. It was his lucky day to try out the post partum floor. For the whole day. He came to check me. Every 3 hours. awk. ward.